Angie's Broadcast TV Returning Shows

(Angie's preview may not mention Mad Men, as it only tonight announced it's return date. But the show is relevant to this post and certainly relevant to her TV likes. So, I use it as the illustration here. credit: insidetv.ew.com)

[Editor's note: I've been writing this Why Won't You Grow?! blog, off and on--mostly off these years to be sure, for almost a decade. And if there is one thing I've learned, it's that when you can get someone else to do the work for you--especially if that person has more people willing to read their writing . . . you go for it. And so, I embrace the guest blogger technique whenever the chance arrives. Earlier this week, I let Dean provide another of his reviews of Cable TV offerings. As usual, it got some traffic and generated a few comments. Another of my friends indicated a desire to write about TV and the returning slate of episodes coming back after the extended Christmas break. Some of these I covered back in my own Fall Preview posts. But others I did not. And besides, this is Angie's point of view, not my own. So . . . Angie, take it away.]

This is my first attempt at writing for Dave’s blog. I have my own, but I don’t write in it much and when I do, it’s about sewing. Writing about what’s hot and happenin’ on broadcast TV is much better.

For those who don’t know me, I’m a friend and former co-worker of Dave’s and I have followed his blog for some time. His massive powers of Internet persuasion enticed me to write up the Broadcast TV Preview for the Winter/Spring shows that are coming up or coming back. [Ed. note: If by massive powers of persuasion, you mean asking nicely on Facebook . . . well, then I guess you are right.]

A few things to note:
1) While I appreciate the success of the ½ hour comedies like Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory, and Parks and Recreation, I don’t watch those. I’m an hour long format gal.

2) I don’t watch reality TV. There will be no updates about The Bachelor, Dancing with whatever XFactor on whatever American blahblahblah. I apologize.

3) These are shows I primarily watch and enjoy so I can speak on them with knowledge. Dave may edit this and throw some other stuff in.

I’m gonna start off with a show I feel most people should be watching. If they are not, they are missing out on some of the best television produced currently. 

Sherlock Series 3 – PBS Masterpiece Mystery Sunday (1/19 US air date)  Sherlock is, quite possibly, the best thing to come out of BBC programming since the Doctor Who reboot. I know I’m gonna possibly spark some controversy (what about current Who, Downton Abbey, etc) but this is what I watch and this is my personal opinion. [The only way I would argue is that Who produces more shows per season. If Sherlock did more than three at a time, it would be unstoppable.]

Mark Gatiss and Stephen Moffat, the show’s creators/writers/directors and actors (Gatiss plays Mycroft, Sherlock’s brother) are fanboys of Holmes and Doyle. This show is very much a love letter to Doyle, Holmes, and all the fans of the consulting detective.  They know the stories and have taken the time to adapt these classic mystery tales to the modern world.  This adaptation allows for fresh perspective on the storytelling and humorous interactions between the uptight, logical Sherlock and the rest of the world.

The modernity of Sherlock is blended with the detective's classic look by Benedict Cumberbatch, an English actor with a bright and blooming career. In his slick, tight modern suits, and his tailored wool coat, Cumberbatch captures Sherlock’s isolation in his intelligence with flawless ease. He plays him on the point of manic, and is a joy to watch. His companion is Watson – as usual – and is played well by Martin Freeman. Freeman has the dual job of being not only Sherlock’s foil and sounding board, but he is also the audience’s voice. Watson's love, yet exasperation, for his dear friend is palpable and it’s endearing when Watson is quick to point out Holmes’s personal flaws that he can’t deduce. [Because it is such an iconic thing, Moffat played around with the deerstalker cap in a previous episode. But it looks anachronistic in this new version. And rightly so.]

Now, this is Series 3 – and you need to watch Series 1 and 2 before 3. Netflix has 1 and 2 so you can be prepared before 1/19. I’ve already seen the first two episodes of Series 3 and it does not disappoint, especially after a long hiatus (no more Hobbit movies – Freeman/Cumberbatch…this is for you…).

Go…watch…watch now….you could stop reading if you wanted… [Oh, don't stop reading yet. We just got started.]

With that said, let’s get to shows that have already kicked off!

Already Aired

Dracula – NBC Fridays at 10pm  Dracula, played in this “modern” fantasy adaptation by Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, returned in all his undead hotness on  1/3. I say “modern” because the show is set in the late 1800 – early 1900’s but Rhys-Meyers’ Drac has modern sensibilities. The show is also lush and dark, rich with counterplots along with the traditional love story. I have a love of supernatural and preternatural entertainment, so I latched on to this show very fast. The audience, however, has not stayed so loyal, as the show has sunk in the ratings and its fate does not look to be promising. I still think you should watch it for its vibrant art design, its deliberate plot and pacing, and its sensuality. You might find yourself under Dracula’s spell.

Airing Soon and with Finales

Almost Human – FOX Mondays at 8pm  With its Blade Runnery and I,Roboty feel, Almost Human is making a great attempt at a serialized Sci-Fi show. Usually, these ring false with me, but Almost Human is hitting all the right notes. It’s funny, charming, and filled with action and enough sci-fi to bring out the nerd in all of us. It might struggle further down the line because it does echo great movies and shows of the past, and while making it fresh for new audiences, there is a risk that it can become a mimic. With only 6 shows under its belt, we’ll have to wait and see whether FOX has another success like Fringe with Almost Human. [I also heartily endorse this show. The chemistry between Det. Kinnex and Dorien the android is great. Plus the police captain is played by the actress that was Lloyd Dobbler's friend in Say Anything. I don't have much of an opinion on Minka Kelly yet.]

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – ABC Tuesdays at 8pm  I want to like this show. I really do. I’ve watched every episode and I’ve been hoping they get better. But this show is the definition of diminishing returns. The plots are weak, the characters dry, and there are not enough superhero interactions (I’m not talking big guns, but living with the “B” crew gets old without a little spice). I will watch until the finale, but it’s probably not going to be on my radar next year. Sorry, Coulson. [I may be the only person still watching this show.]

Bones – FOX Fridays at 8pm  I’m gonna put it out there… my interest in this show has waned drastically since Booth/Bones got married this season [sorry for the spoiler]. The audience spent nine years waiting for that pay off and we got it – so…now what? Let’s rehash a tired villain that’s been around for 1.5 seasons! Bones is a formulaic procedural that succeeds because of the humor of the cast, the gore (let’s be honest) of the case, and the tension between hip/cool Booth and stodgy Brennan. Being moved to Fridays might cause the show to flounder, but it’s been a stable of FOX’s lineup for a long time and is still worth the watch. Check it out on 1/10.

Sleepy Hollow – FOX Mondays at 9pm  Sleepy FRICKIN’ Hollow – the Dark Horse. The Late Bloomer. Now – a highlight of my Monday nights! This show started off slow for me. I had trouble buying the premise but as soon as I began to acknowledge that the legend is being subverted, I began to embrace this show. The chemistry between Abby and Ichabod is fantastic, the plot is enjoyably escapist, and what makes the show really great?? It KNOWS its irreverent. It’s not trying to convince you of anything… it lets you escape for an hour and fall into this world of fantasy, witchcraft, and apocalypsey, demony goodness. It also doesn't hurt that the gentleman playing Ichabod is what might be deemed “steamy” or bodice-ripping hot…that could work too. You only get two episodes left of this show, starting 1/13, until next season, and the season finale is 2 hours long! Not bad for a freshman show! [Everyone loves Sleepy Hollow! Even me, who was terrified of the Headless Horseman as a child.]

The Blacklist – NBC Mondays at 10pm  As you can see, my Monday nights are solidly booked! The Blacklist is – without question – the best show on broadcast TV right now. It’s gritty, fast, dark, action packed, funny, and riveting. You cannot turn away for 60 straight minutes – you run to do things during commercial breaks. James Spader is fascinating as Raymond Reddington and at his best since Boston Legal. This show is why NBC needs to bring back the slogan “Must See TV”. The Blacklist starts up again on 1/13 and will not let you go until the last second of the finale and when it does, you’ll scream at your TV, desperately wanting more.

Scandal – ABC Thursdays at 9pm I’m late to the Scandal bandwagon, but I binged and caught up quick. This show is nothing more than a juicy novel you can’t put down – and I LOVE IT. It’s sexy, sassy, funny, sharp, dirty, dramatic, and over the top. It’s a guilty pleasure, much like Olivia Pope’s wine and popcorn. I’ll drink it up right along with her when the show returns on 2/27!

The Once Upon a Time Shows – ABC Thursday and Sunday at 8pm These show don’t come back until after the winter Olympics. I don’t know how much I’ll miss them. The sap is starting to run dry and Wonderland leaves me dizzy with its too much color and bad CGI. I liked Pan as the villain in this last season, but they are introducing the Wicked Witch of the West in March. I hope they do it well… and cut back on the cheese a bit. 3/6 is the date to fall down the rabbit hole again and 3/9 to return to Storybrooke.

New Show Seasons Starting!

Downton Abbey: Season 2 – PBS Sundays at 9pm  I must confess, I am a season behind in keeping up with the Crawleys. However, because the Internet doesn't know the meaning of the word spoiler, I know enough about Season 3 to know that Season 4 is going to have some dramatic turns for some cast members. I also know that this show watches like a great book – never dry, never boring, always engaging, and occasionally heartbreaking. If you missed the premiere on 1/5, you can catch up as PBS usually encores their shows and be back for the second episode right quick. 

The Following: Season 2 – FOX Mondays at 9pm When Sleepy Hollow ends, the Following begins. Kevin Bacon leads this gritty drama about a serial killer and his hunt to catch him. The first season was quite riveting and has a similar formula to a nice thriller. Worth the watch. This show starts back Super Bowl Sunday but then finds its regular home on 1/27. [I struggled to keep watching this show during season 1. The gore was a bit off-putting for me and it felt like it wasn't going anywhere. I'll probably give it a try in season 2, but might keep my finger hovering over the DVR's stop button.]

Hannibal: Season 2 – NBC Fridays at 10pm  While I love The Blacklist and Sherlock, I’d have to say Hannibal is in a dead heat for my most anticipated show of the winter. Again, a love letter to the fans of the books and the movies, Bryan Fuller has found a way to incorporate lines of dialogue, music, gestures, and witty subversive dialogue into this dark, manipulative show. Riveting and intoxicating, the art design saturates the eye and leaves you unable to blink. You also can’t blink because you might miss the fantastic portrayal of Hannibal Lecter by Mad Mikkelsen and Will Graham by Hugh Dancy. Just… don’t blink on 2/28.

So… those are the shows that I enjoy watching. I hope you enjoy a few of them and happy watching!

YouTube video: Polar Vortex vs. HVAC 9000

Today I thought I'd do a video post to mix things up a bit. Sorry for the shaky cam action on my cell phone. (I guess I need to figure out some sort of tripod set up to up the quality of my presentations. But then I'd also need some lighting screens and some other stuff and . . . well, right now, my video frequency just doesn't justify that sort of effort and expense.

Maybe later?

Wanna follow HVAC9000 on Twitter? If so, can you get "him" to be nicer to me?

LOST Rewatch: Confidence Man, Solitary

Credit: tle1lost.wordpress.com

Yes, I know. I caved AGAIN by letting the girls talk me into watching two episodes at once. But this is the best season of LOST, right? It's hard to not get caught up in these early, very revelatory episodes. And it is so much fun to see the girls react to each big moment of understanding. But, let's get into the episodes, shall we?

 Confidence Man: Let's learn all about Sawyer, in what is perhaps the most testosterone-y episode this show ever made. JACK! SAYID! SAWYER! All strutting around, threatening, torturing, fighting, bleeding. But it's not just about who's the coolest dude on the beach, because we need to mix in the unstable element of KATE! She's clearly the cutest girl who isn't pregnant and who speaks English, right. She is the deserving object of all of our affections. Who loves her more? Who deserves her more?

Credit: theackattack.net

People that initially disliked the show really disliked this aspect of the plot. And watching it again, I understand (again) why. It is a significant portion of every episode so far. You could argue that some of it is character development for Sawyer--to establish how much of a pig (he wants you to think) he is. But isn't Jack more wrapped up in Daddy issues and proving himself--plus saving them all from the crash--to be diverted with Kate's mysterious temptations? (And anyway, we're only eight episodes in and Kate is already waffling back and forth: Jack/Sawyer; Beach/Caves; Helpful/Needy. But, as you know . . . buckle up. Because this particular ride's not close to being over.)

What else is going on? Charlie begins to put the charms on Claire by offering to find her a jar of peanut butter. It's their Meet Cute Moment.

Oh! And the appearance of Ethan! I'm surprised it happened so early. But there is Tom Cruise's cousin, helping Hurley sort through stuff in the caves. (More to come on him and his anagrammable name very soon.)

But don't forget Shannon. She's suffering from asthma attacks. And we KNOW that Sawyer is hoarding her inhaler medicine. That is what makes this episode about him in the first place. But he won't help? Why is he such a jerk? Why does he want everyone to hate him? 

Also, why are the writers humanizing Shannon and Boone? They were the biggest screw-ups (aside from Sawyer and the now renovated Charlie). Now Shannon is vulnerable and Boone is protective. They are working together rather than bickering at each other and making each other look stupid. Don't make Shannon and Boone sympathetic!

But in the end, sympathy is where this all ends up. Sawyer's long march to rehabilitation begins as we learn that HE was the original victim of a heartless con artist. And we learn that no one hates Sawyer as much as he hates himself for becoming the type of man that his childhood self would despise.

Sad . . . but still sexy and smarmy Sawyer.

Solitary: In the aftermath of Confidence Man, Sayid goes on his own walkabout to deal with the regrets he had during the Sawyer torturing and knife-fighting incident. And so, after the dick-swinging of Confidence Man, we have now the most estrogen-y episodes of the show. It's all about soulful, doe-eyed Sayid, struggling to find his center, encountering Rousseau the Frenchwoman . . . who's STILL ALIVE! (Even after 16 years.)

(Here was another moment that came earlier in the show than I remembered. Rousseau was out and about on Island even before we hit s1e10! It's probably because I remember Rousseau from later season's more distinctly.)

In the flashback sequences, we see that Sayid the Republican Guard Interrogator willingly did the job of getting information for the Baath Party. But he also had reluctance about it. And that reluctance skyrocketed when it became clear that he would have to interrogate his childhood friend Nadia (the girl in the picture he keeps carrying). So, he engineers a way for her to escape prison and never sees her again. So noble! So righteous! Sayid is the best man on the Island.

But actually ON the Island, he has been captured by Rousseau--who we learn arrived on the Island with a research team on a boat. And she starts dropping hints about the Island that will (sort of?) pay dividends in the future: sickness, many references to "others," evidence that there is electricity on the Island--the cable Sayid follows to her hideout runs down into the ocean, remember? Plus whispers in the jungle.

And finally . . . back at Adam and Eve's Caves, Jack is tired of dealing with Scott's (or is it Steve?) hypochondria. Which leads Hurley to observe that everyone is on edge and needs to blow off some steam. After some scrounging, Hurley creates a small golf course on the mountain meadow and everyone relaxes and tells jokes. Even Sawyer appears to share in the fun and try to win back some friends.

But Sayid is still trapped in the jungle, surrounded by whispers and growing increasingly fearful of what is happening on this Island where people "get sick" and start killing each other.

What'll happen next?!

LOST Rewatch: House of the Rising Sun, The Moth

Credit:tle1lost.wordpress.com

Okay, okay. I caved again and watched two episodes with the kids before I got around to blogging about it. I'm sorry. (And I'm also pretty certain that I'm going to have to limit the viewing frequency of these episodes if I'm ever going to keep up with my episode recaps.Unless I start keeping actual notes as I watch . . . which would probably get in the way of actually enjoying the rewatch experience.

But tonight, here are my thoughts on the next episodes of Season 1.

House of the Rising Sun: As you can tell from the double-entendre of the title, this episode gives us our first glimpse of the Korean family that was such a mystery in the original airing of the show.

And in telling this story, the flashbacks focused almost entirely on Korean dialogue. I remember at the time that ABC trumpeted the diversity of the cast quite a bit and especially this episode to indicate that this show was something new and different. The B-story of this episode featured Jack trying to convince the plane survivors to move away from the beach site and into Adam and Eve's caves (which he had found while chasing the ghost of his father in White Rabbit). And it also emphasized the developing relationship between Jack and Kate and (especially) Charlie's irritation that the two were already pairing off and leaving him out in the singleton cold . . . because, you know, he was the bass player of Driveshaft and all. You've heard of Driveshaft, right? And their big smash hit "You All, Everybody"? Well, Charlie was planning on using his rock god status--more on that in the next episode--to get into Kate's fugitive pants. But Jack and his wandering eye was already acting like he totally didn't care about Kate's bod. He just wanted Kate to back up all of his plans all the time, you know?

But back in flashback Korea, we learn that Jin comes from humble origins (though we don't yet know how humble) and he convinces Sun's father to allow him to marry his totally rich daughter. And at first all is bliss and lovely flowers, but eventually, Jin must buy his wife's affections with puppies and fancy apartments and the like as his involvement in Sun's father's business (but we don't yet know what business) pulls him further and further away.

This, in turn, drives Sun further away and she secretly learns English and prepares to abandon Jin during their Sydney departure on Flight 815. But she hesitates and doesn't do it.

And, oh yeah . . . in real Island time, Jin went crazy on Michael and totally beat him up for unknown reasons. (Right in front of his boy!) And it is from this mystery that Michael learns--in one of the show's first Stunning Reveals--that Sun could totally understand and speak English. But Jin didn't know.

The Moth: We learn more about our favorite rock god--you know, of Driveshaft? "You All Everybody"? You know . . . you've seen him before, right? Yep, we learn about how Charlie transformed from an honest, confession-giving Catholic boy to a heroin-addicted, fingernail-painted bass player. And it was always due to the fault of his older brother Liam.

Liam got a taste of the rock life, living off the creative song-writing talent of Charlie.And even though Charlie had made a pact with Sober Liam to leave the rock business when things got too crazy, Druggie Liam was too addicted to the fame and the fun to stop. In desperation, Charlie followed him down into that pain. This began reinforcing Charlie's notion that he wasn't any good . . .

. . . which he carried into Island time, believing that everyone was overlooking him. But the person who wasn't overlooking him? Locke. Locke totally knew that Charlie was beginning to withdraw from his limited heroin stash, and as newly appointed Island mystic, Locke knew how to help Charlie out. With some tough love and a belief in Island Magic.

Meanwhile, Kate is definitely NOT in luuuurve with Jack, because she isn't living in Adam & Eve's cave. Instead, she, Sayid, Sawyer, and Scott and Steve (or is it Steve and Scott) are still on the beach, tending the signal fire, hoping for possible rescue, and creating a transceiver signal booster with three antennae that will triangulate . . . you know, nobody but Sayid understands how this works. He needs Kate and Boone's help to set up the antennae. But they get drawn away to the Caves when they hear that Saint Jack has been trapped in a rock-slide in the Totally Excellent and Suitable for Living In Caves that he, himself convinced half of the 46 survivors to move into. (Nice move Jack! Maybe your Ghost Dad was right when he said that you "didn't have what it takes".)

So, with Kate desperate to save Jack from falling rocks and Boone just trying to be helpful in some way, Sawyer and Shannon are enlisted to set up the antennae--but Sayid wasn't told of the substitutions. Way to go Boone and Kate. Enlist an important rescue mission to the biggest screwups and untrustworthys in the Castways. Still, it appears that the antennae are successfully placed because the rocket flares go up at the right time. . . . but then Sayid is knocked on the head from behind while searching for the Frenchwoman's signal!

Who, who WHO is a saboteur?!!

And then, back at the Totally Safe Caves That Should be Lived In, St. Jack is being rescued by heroin withdrawer Charlie, because he's all wee and hobbity and can fit in the space that has been excavated by Determined (but completely unsmitten) Kate, and Boone, and Scott/Steve or Steve/Scott, and Hurley. So, Charlie struggles through the confined space. Metaphors are examined. Charlie then learns some self-worth, and he chooses to burn the last of his heroin stash to gain Locke's approval and do right by himself. (Screw you Liam!)

Dean’s 2014 Cable Preview Extravaganza

Credit: camgnc.com

[Editor's note: Dean volunteered to write a bit about the new slate of cable TV shows cranking back up again this winter season. So I agreed, of course, because I love TV and I love guest bloggers.]

Welcome to my semiannual (occasionally triannual!) cable preview: Winter/Spring edition. It’s cold outside so stay in and watch some cable, there’s something on all the time, so you don’t need to leave your couch. As always, this list of shows is not comprehensive (sorry SyFy, fix the letters in your name and maybe I’ll be back).

SUNDAY

True Detective (9:00 HBO) Premieres Jan 12 This season is Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson looking for a serial killer in Louisiana. Evidently it’s going the American Horror Story route and featuring a different cast and story every season.  I hope more networks add anthology style series to their lineups. It lets writers tell self-contained stories without worrying about leaving room for next year’s plot, and provides closure in case the series fails to find an audience (RIP Terriers).  Why didn’t you watch Terriers? Terriers was great. I hate you all.
 
The Walking Dead (9:00 AMC) Returns Feb 9 Oh look, it’s the most popular show on cable! I don’t watch this show, so I can’t give you any insight about it. I think the Governor died? I’m not sure who the Governor is, but I think he was bad. Are they still at a prison? Terriers had a character who was going to prison. No zombies though. If it had zombies would you have watched it? Can we go back in time and add zombie to Terriers? No. The series was perfect as is. Shawn Ryan is a genius. You don’t deserve Shawn Ryan.

Girls (10:00 HBO) Returns Jan 12 It’s the most talked about show nobody watches! Seriously, the audience for this show is miniscule, but HBO doesn’t care. None of the characters are likable except Ray and Shoshanna (Get back together Ray and Soshanna!) Fortunately none of the characters are supposed to be likable. Unlike in Terriers. So schlubby and wonderful. [Ed. note: umm, Dean? Is the heat working at your house? Are you okay? I'm beginning to worry about you and this fixation on this show.] 
 

MONDAY

I’m throwing in a plug for Sleepy Hollow even though it’s David’s turf, because oh man is it some fun. The chemistry between the leads is astounding and the plots are outrageous fun. Watch it! (9:00 FOX)

Adventure Time (Cartoon Network 7:30) Returns January 13th A cartoon about growing up and also adventures. It’s a funny, surprisingly emotional show. Some episodes involve dealing with a loved one with dementia, while others are just about slaying ridiculous monsters for fun. You never know what you’re going to get with this show, and that’s amazing. [Normally, I disagree with . . . maybe 40 percent of what Dean says about TV. And Adventure Time was no different . . . until I started watching it. I don't know much at all about Terriers, but I can definitely agree that Adventure Time is equal parts amazing and bizarre.]

Regular Show (Cartoon Network) Returns January 13th A cartoon about a slacker raccoon and blue jay working at a park. Unlike Adventure Time it’s pretty clear what you’re going to get with this show: Mordecai and Rigby are going to screw something up, a supernatural antagonist will be released, Mordecai and Rigby defeat the antagonist, and then they must clean up the mess. It’s like Mozart’s Variations on “Ah vous dirai-je, Maman” or Monet’s Haystacks. [Hey look, man. Don't try to impress us with high-falutin' references to hoity-toity stuff. Especially not in conjunction with this weirdo show.]

Archer  (10:00 FX) Returns Jan 13 H. Jon Benjamin, Judy Greer, Amber Nash, Chris Parnell, Aisha Tyler, Jessica Walter, George Coe, and Adam Reed. I shouldn’t even need to provide a synopsis and I won’t. I’m still mad at you about the Terriers thing. [Seriously . . . ?]

Chozen (10:30 FX) Premieres Jan 13 Chozen is a white gay rapper who is the greatest rapper in the world. I’m not sure about this, but it comes on after Archer and it’s animated by the same company that animates Archer, so I’ll give it a chance. Hopefully Chozen will be the greatest fake musician since Dethklok.

Rick and Morty (10:30 Adult Swim) Returns Jan 6 This show is essentially Back to the Future if Doc was a drunk and also a lot crazier and was also Marty's uncle. If you like Community Dan Harmon is one of the minds behind it. The other creator is Justin Roiland who has done all sorts of stuff I love: (Specifically providing the voice of the Earl of Lemongrab and portraying Christopher Cross on Yacht Rock.) As with all Adult Swim shows: Caveat Emptor.

TUESDAY

Justified: (10:00 FX) Returns Jan 7 There are “better” shows out there, but I look forward to no show more every year than Justified. The dialogue is laconic yet sharp, the rhythms are measured and deliberate but never dull and occasionally (well, more than occasionally…often) explosive. Raylan Givens shoots a lot (seriously, a lot) of people.

Cougar Town (10:00 TBS) Returns Jan 7 Did you like Scrubs before it lost the thread in the later seasons? Then you’ll like this which has nothing to do with cougars whatsoever.

Kroll Show (10:30 Comedy Central) Returns Jan 14
Tosh.o (10:00 Comedy Central) Returns February 18
Inside Amy Schumer (10:30 Comedy Central) Returns April 1

[So, it seems that Tuesday is not a big TV night for you, huh?]

WEDNESDAY

Burning Love: (10:30 E!) Returned Jan 1 This show should not be on E!, but at least it was placed after The Soup, which is literally the only thing on E! that this show could follow. It follows a Bachelor (or Bachelorette) looking for marriage. The contestants are a veritable who’s who of young comedians and comediennes and is hilarious to boot.

Broad City (10:30 Comedy Central) Premieres Jan 22 The only thing I know about this show is that is made by Upright Citizens Brigade alums, which enough for me to promote it.

The Americans (10:00 FX) Returns Feb 26 TUSK! [Why must I wait so long?]

THURSDAY

Spoils of Babylon: (10:00 IFC) Premieres Jan 9 It looks like Dallas but as farce. IFC somehow got all of the actors to show up for this one: Tobey Maguire (look David, it’s your precious Tobey Maguire!), Tim Robbins, Kristen Wiig, Val Kilmer, Jessica Alba, Michael Sheen (Man, Michael Sheen is great), Haley Joel Osment, Will Ferrell,  and Carey Mulligan (but just her voice, which is an unacceptable use of Ms. Mulligan. That’s like doing a live action film with Scarlett Johansen in a voice-only role. I’m looking at you Her.)

Under the Gunn: (9:00 Lifetime) Premieres Jan 16 Tim Gunn=I will probably watch. So much charisma. [Is he, perhaps trapping people under a dome?]

King of the Nerds (10:00 TBS) Returns Jan 23 I watched last season and I can’t quite figure out what side of the celebration/mockery line this show falls under. It’s got Booger from Revenge of the Nerds on it, so I’m inclined to let it slide (IMDB tells me he was on Eek! the Cat, so I am now pro King of the Nerds). [I am offended by this show and won't watch it.]

FRIDAY

House of Cards (12:00 Netflix) Returns Feb 14 I did not get into this Netflix Original series, but for those of you who did, have fun marathoning this Valentine’s Day weekend and then sadly waiting an entire year for new episodes. Come back Orange it the New Black, come back! I’m sorry I watched all of you in one day, I’ll do better next time! (I won’t do better next time.) [Nice work applying a completely meaningless broadcast time to this show, Dean. I'll invite you back next year just for that alone.]

SATURDAY

Space Dandy (11:30 Adult Swim) Premiered Feb 4 I will just quote from AV Commenter rubi-kun here “It's a new sci-fi comedy series from the director of Cowboy Bebop that seemingly has everyone in Japan working on it (Masaaki Yuasa, Sayo Yamamoto, KATSUHIRO…OTOMO, etc.), the producers have compared it to Futurama, and it's airing on American TV BEFORE it airs in Japan! There is not reason not to watch this weekend!” Having now watched an episode I can say that I would say it’s more of an anime Sealab2020 in space, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Also I found it somewhat misogynistic. Your mileage may vary.
 
Black Sails (9:00 Starz) I assume this is about pirates. Pirates are awesome. [I saw a trailer for this in the movie theater the other night. It doesn't look as awesome as you think. More like a hybrid of Xena: Warrior Princess and TNT's The Librarian franchise. And also, ninjas are better than pirates. If you had been old enough in the '80s, you'd know this.]

Orphan Black (9:00 BBC America) Returns April 19 Critics love Orphan Black. I love Tatiana Malany. I couldn’t get past the first episode because her character had a chav accent I couldn’t get around.  I should try again, since she plays about 100 other characters and I’m sure I’ll like most of them.

EVERY DAY IN FEBRUARY ON THE NBC FAMILY OF NETWORKS

Winter Olympics: The best Olympics. Cable gets the niche stuff like curling. The niche stuff is better.

TBD

Legit (FXX) Returns in February: Jim Jeffries is a huge jerk trying to be less of a jerk. He is Australian so get your fill of Australian comedians here.

Ali G: Rezurection (FXX) Premieres/Returns in February Remember Ali G? I like Ali G best out of all of Sacha Baron Cohen’s personalities so I approve of updating the Ali G Show.

Gravity Falls (Disney) Returns whenever Disney feels like bringing it back: Disney aired this show at random intervals on Friday nights, a plan that seemed to work for the show somehow. So maybe turn on Disney randomly on Friday nights and this might be a new episode.

And there you have it: every show that is coming back or premiering except Terriers, because Terriers is never coming back, because you killed it. Don’t kill any of these new shows. I’m trusting you.