Spider-Men Ranked!

I love ranking things. I love ranking movies. The internet loves both ranking things and ranking movies too.

So, because I also love Spider-Man, I'm going to take a cue from a recent episode of The Big Picture podcast and provide my own personal rankings of all eleven Spider-Man movies from the 2002 Tobey Maguire original, through Andrew Garfield's Amazing series, including the Spider-Verse animated offerings, and including the Spider-Man of this moment--all four of Tom Holland's web-head films.

This will not consider Japanese Spider-men. It will not include more mainstream children's animated Spidey shows. It doesn't include Tom Hardy's Venom series and it certainly won't try to rank the putrid Sony Spider set of Morbius, Madame Web, or Kraven the Hunter. It won't let in the Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends cartoon series of my youth either.

It looks at the live action, feature length theater movies (as Cinemark and Tom Cruise demands that we must!).

And, while I have used more elaborate ranking methods and scoring rubrics to rank the Marvel Cinematic Universe as a whole, this list is put together in a more rapid fashion--"on vibes" as the kids might say. It reflects more about how I view the films as a whole, not judging them on their full cinematic merits. And while there are absolutely loved scenes in some of these movies that fall lower on the list (looking at you Emo Peter and apologies to you Emma Stone), the glory of those scenes alone cannot pull the whole movie above some of their more well-rounded brethren.

Enough typing!

We rank!

11. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 Something has to come last and I don't think most anyone is going to argue that Andrew Garfield's last solo Spider-Man movie shouldn't be that lowest ranked movie. I probably am more forgiving of Garfield's movies than most professional film critics, but I didn't love Electro overall and I really didn't like Dane DeHaan's portrayal of Harry Osborne/Green Goblin. And I certainly didn't enjoy losing Emma Stone's Gwen Stacey. Even the final scene where Peter returns as Spider-Man to save an inspired kid from Giamatti's Rhino can't scrub the taste away. But being the worst Spider-Man movie is so much better than being almost any other movie!

10. Spider-Man 3 Many people will reflexively put Garfield's The Amazing Spider-Man here. But, even though I love the Tobey Maguire movies, I've got to put Spider-Man 3 here. And the reason is because I was so disappointed in this movie after I watched it. I had high hopes for the cinematic portrayal of the Black Suit/Venom. But it just wasn't good enough. (Even though the Emo Peter sidewalk suit dance scene was incredible.) And . . . there was too much Sandman + Venom + (other) Green Goblin.

9. The Amazing Spider-Man This movie is third worst only because all of the other movies are so much better! I think Andrew Garfield was a very good, lanky, tall Peter Parker. And he was more loose and more fun than the angstier Tobey Maguire Peter. Plus I simply love Emma Stone without reservation. I did not, however, love The Lizard in this movie, despite him being such a classic Rogue. This movie DID deserve the adjective of Amazing. It really did.

8. Spider-Man: Far From Home Even the inclusion of Jake Gyllenhaal and his weird mental energy can't prevent this Tom Holland sequel from being the weakest of his Spidey quartet. Don't take that to mean that this is a bad movie because it absolutely is not. Holland's Peter is still prevented from growing into his own as a solo hero because Happy Hogan and Nick Fury are still hanging around and retarding Peter's growth. The crisis of Peter being tricked by Mysterio's lies is a good plot. And Mysterio himself is a fun, visually cool villain (in comics or in movies).

7. Spider-Man I think a lot of people are going to push back on the fact that this OG Spider-Man movie is ranked in the middle of the pack. But once again, I say that this is more a reflection of how good the overall Spider-Man suite of movies is. Even so, I'm slightly abashed to put Tobey's original superhero movie out of the Top Five. Just know that I dearly love this movie. Willem Dafoe was a GREAT Norman Osborne/Green Goblin. He just chewed up the scenery in the best way. (He's something of a villain himself!) Just know that eagerly awaited its release. And I was happy that it justified the entire superhero movie complex that we live within today. If you force me to give a reason for why this gets downgraded a bit, I have to say that there are parts of Spider-Man that are too jingoistic for me. It ran in theaters when 9/11's aftermath was still strong in people's minds and psyches. So I wasn't surprised to see a billowing American flag behind Spidey in the final shot. But I can't NOT cringe when the crowd of New Yorkers yell at the the Green Goblin that You mess with Spidey, you mess with New York. You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us! 

6. Spider-Man: Homecoming Let's go from cringeworthy moments to a genuine moment of shock and awe. The reveal of Liz's father being Adrian Toomes/Vulture as Peter arrives to pick her up for the Homecoming dance is . . . just GREAT! Maybe Michael Keaton is one of the best qualified (certainly) and most skilled (yes) actors to portray a villain in these Spider-Man movies! This movie proved that Tom Holland could carry the movie. Even if the writers started down the road here of diminishing Peter's abilities by pairing him with a father figure in each following movie. (Also, the end credit stinger of Captain America's ". . . so you're in detention" VHS clip is laugh out loud funny.)

5. Spider-Man: No Way Home Why do some people not like this movie? I cannot tell you. But you can't be surprised that I would highly rank the Spider-Man movie that came up with any reason to include Tobey, Andrew, and Tom in the same movie?! I was so excited for this film and it did not disappoint me in the least. Don't forget that this movie held the burden of having to launch Marvel's Multiverse Phase, which it did well. PLUS . . . it brought many of the Peters Rogues together in the movie as well as the three heroes! (Any more opportunities to see Willem Dafoe and Alfred Molina is more than enough reason to celebrate this movie. PLUS AGAIN . . . it helped bring J.K. Simmon's slightly tweaked J. Jonah Jamison back into the world with more screen time as well! Incredible. I love this movie.

4. Spider-Man 2 I have deeply loved this one since the moment I started watching it in the theater in 2004. My coworkers got me a Spider-Man 2 poster which still hangs in my work office to this day. It did such a great job of balancing the problems of Peter's dual life. And Alfred Molina's Dr. Octopus was very strong, even if he is missing from the middle third of the movie. But that is fine because that middle third is watching Peter struggle and then try to give Spider-Man up. (Spider-Man No More alley shot!) Which leads to another laugh-out-loud scene . . . the "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" song where a de-powered Peter catches up on school, Mary Jane, and life. My only really strong criticism is that Kirstin Dunst doesn't do much more than scream a lot in this movie.

3. Into the Spider-Verse Not to sound too much like Tobey Maguire's version of Peter Parker . . . but "Oh boy, yeah. I do love the Spider-Verse animated movies." The visual techniques and the animation techniques created for this genre of Spider-Man storytelling was and remains incredible to me. I'm so very happy that Miles Morales has been given such a strong platform to tell his own story of being Spider-Man. And that's not even given near enough time to Gwen Stacey's Spider-Gwen character, whom I dearly love as well! The first Spider-Verse animated movie was a promise of excellence to Spider-Man fans that has not been forgotten so far.

2. Spider-Man: Brand New Day I've only seen this movie once. But I really, really enjoyed it and look forward to watching it many more times. Yes . . . it was stuffed to the edges with characters and plot and stuff that it had to do. But I never felt that the story was lagging and I liked all of the choices. I'm not a huge Punisher guy. (The less said about the Netflix one-off, Punisher: One Last Kill, the better. Yet I've liked Bernthal's Punisher within the context of Daredevil. I really enjoyed the more sanitized version of the Punisher that is present in Brand New Day. And . . . finally, Holland's Peter gets to stand on his own feet and face his circumstances without the support scaffolding of Iron Man or Happy or Dr. Strange or Nick Fury or (R.I.P.) even Aunt May, MJ, or Ned. Peter's really going through it. He proves to himself and to us that he is up to the task. As we always knew he could be. Peter Parker's life (in most comic story lines) is never a walk in the park. This movie does a great job of showing how hard it is. It will earn billions!

1. Across the Spider-Verse It was hard to not place Brand New Day at the top of the list due to recency bias. But I have no sadness at all about saying that Across the Spider-Verse is the best Spider-Man movie. It is a visual spectacle. The sensory and character and joke overload of every Spider Society scene is incredible. Spider-Gwen gets to do even more in this movie and its all just a beautiful love letter to everything that makes the Spider-Man story universe so fun and appealing and beautiful and emotional and inspiring.

Stairs

I've worked at the same company for over 26 years.

Not simply the same company, but also the same building. The same location. For 26 years.

And I value and appreciate the stability and predictability that this longevity and consistency has provided me. But at the same time, when you have an ongoing, repeating familiarity for that long a period of time, you make comparisons. You notice things. You witness the passage of time in very specific and sometimes very obvious ways.

In my early 30s, during the early years of this employment tenure, my friends and I would head downstairs at midday for lunch in the building cafeteria. And, young and spritely as I was, I remember bouncing down the mid-building steps with a quickness.

(My department has worked on the third floor, the fourth floor, the second floor over the years. So I've bounced down the steps from many different starting points.) 

But I did bounce . . . with speed and agility.

The recognition of the passage of time comes in when I compare the past to now.

Now . . . not only do I go down the stairs alone. But I do it with deliberate step and nothing resembling speed or bounce.

First . . . alone.

Because many of my initial friends no longer work at the company and have not for a long time. They moved on--either willingly or sometimes unwillingly. Some came back, but work remotely. The work world is fluid. 

And alone . . . because those who work in my department now, almost to a person, work from home and do not come into the building any longer. So, I am working almost alone on an empty floor, contrasting my environment and my walking speed to memories of the past. Working alone and thinking of ghosts.

This is what happens when you work in the same place for 26 year.