Spider-Men Ranked!

I love ranking things. I love ranking movies. The internet loves both ranking things and ranking movies too.

So, because I also love Spider-Man, I'm going to take a cue from a recent episode of The Big Picture podcast and provide my own personal rankings of all eleven Spider-Man movies from the 2002 Tobey Maguire original, through Andrew Garfield's Amazing series, including the Spider-Verse animated offerings, and including the Spider-Man of this moment--all four of Tom Holland's web-head films.

This will not consider Japanese Spider-men. It will not include more mainstream children's animated Spidey shows. It doesn't include Tom Hardy's Venom series and it certainly won't try to rank the putrid Sony Spider set of Morbius, Madame Web, or Kraven the Hunter. It won't let in the Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends cartoon series of my youth either.

It looks at the live action, feature length theater movies (as Cinemark and Tom Cruise demands that we must!).

And, while I have used more elaborate ranking methods and scoring rubrics to rank the Marvel Cinematic Universe as a whole, this list is put together in a more rapid fashion--"on vibes" as the kids might say. It reflects more about how I view the films as a whole, not judging them on their full cinematic merits. And while there are absolutely loved scenes in some of these movies that fall lower on the list (looking at you Emo Peter and apologies to you Emma Stone), the glory of those scenes alone cannot pull the whole movie above some of their more well-rounded brethren.

Enough typing!

We rank!

11. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 Something has to come last and I don't think most anyone is going to argue that Andrew Garfield's last solo Spider-Man movie shouldn't be that lowest ranked movie. I probably am more forgiving of Garfield's movies than most professional film critics, but I didn't love Electro overall and I really didn't like Dane DeHaan's portrayal of Harry Osborne/Green Goblin. And I certainly didn't enjoy losing Emma Stone's Gwen Stacey. Even the final scene where Peter returns as Spider-Man to save an inspired kid from Giamatti's Rhino can't scrub the taste away. But being the worst Spider-Man movie is so much better than being almost any other movie!

10. Spider-Man 3 Many people will reflexively put Garfield's The Amazing Spider-Man here. But, even though I love the Tobey Maguire movies, I've got to put Spider-Man 3 here. And the reason is because I was so disappointed in this movie after I watched it. I had high hopes for the cinematic portrayal of the Black Suit/Venom. But it just wasn't good enough. (Even though the Emo Peter sidewalk suit dance scene was incredible.) And . . . there was too much Sandman + Venom + (other) Green Goblin.

9. The Amazing Spider-Man This movie is third worst only because all of the other movies are so much better! I think Andrew Garfield was a very good, lanky, tall Peter Parker. And he was more loose and more fun than the angstier Tobey Maguire Peter. Plus I simply love Emma Stone without reservation. I did not, however, love The Lizard in this movie, despite him being such a classic Rogue. This movie DID deserve the adjective of Amazing. It really did.

8. Spider-Man: Far From Home Even the inclusion of Jake Gyllenhaal and his weird mental energy can't prevent this Tom Holland sequel from being the weakest of his Spidey quartet. Don't take that to mean that this is a bad movie because it absolutely is not. Holland's Peter is still prevented from growing into his own as a solo hero because Happy Hogan and Nick Fury are still hanging around and retarding Peter's growth. The crisis of Peter being tricked by Mysterio's lies is a good plot. And Mysterio himself is a fun, visually cool villain (in comics or in movies).

7. Spider-Man I think a lot of people are going to push back on the fact that this OG Spider-Man movie is ranked in the middle of the pack. But once again, I say that this is more a reflection of how good the overall Spider-Man suite of movies is. Even so, I'm slightly abashed to put Tobey's original superhero movie out of the Top Five. Just know that I dearly love this movie. Willem Dafoe was a GREAT Norman Osborne/Green Goblin. He just chewed up the scenery in the best way. (He's something of a villain himself!) Just know that eagerly awaited its release. And I was happy that it justified the entire superhero movie complex that we live within today. If you force me to give a reason for why this gets downgraded a bit, I have to say that there are parts of Spider-Man that are too jingoistic for me. It ran in theaters when 9/11's aftermath was still strong in people's minds and psyches. So I wasn't surprised to see a billowing American flag behind Spidey in the final shot. But I can't NOT cringe when the crowd of New Yorkers yell at the the Green Goblin that You mess with Spidey, you mess with New York. You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us! 

6. Spider-Man: Homecoming Let's go from cringeworthy moments to a genuine moment of shock and awe. The reveal of Liz's father being Adrian Toomes/Vulture as Peter arrives to pick her up for the Homecoming dance is . . . just GREAT! Maybe Michael Keaton is one of the best qualified (certainly) and most skilled (yes) actors to portray a villain in these Spider-Man movies! This movie proved that Tom Holland could carry the movie. Even if the writers started down the road here of diminishing Peter's abilities by pairing him with a father figure in each following movie. (Also, the end credit stinger of Captain America's ". . . so you're in detention" VHS clip is laugh out loud funny.)

5. Spider-Man: No Way Home Why do some people not like this movie? I cannot tell you. But you can't be surprised that I would highly rank the Spider-Man movie that came up with any reason to include Tobey, Andrew, and Tom in the same movie?! I was so excited for this film and it did not disappoint me in the least. Don't forget that this movie held the burden of having to launch Marvel's Multiverse Phase, which it did well. PLUS . . . it brought many of the Peters Rogues together in the movie as well as the three heroes! (Any more opportunities to see Willem Dafoe and Alfred Molina is more than enough reason to celebrate this movie. PLUS AGAIN . . . it helped bring J.K. Simmon's slightly tweaked J. Jonah Jamison back into the world with more screen time as well! Incredible. I love this movie.

4. Spider-Man 2 I have deeply loved this one since the moment I started watching it in the theater in 2004. My coworkers got me a Spider-Man 2 poster which still hangs in my work office to this day. It did such a great job of balancing the problems of Peter's dual life. And Alfred Molina's Dr. Octopus was very strong, even if he is missing from the middle third of the movie. But that is fine because that middle third is watching Peter struggle and then try to give Spider-Man up. (Spider-Man No More alley shot!) Which leads to another laugh-out-loud scene . . . the "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" song where a de-powered Peter catches up on school, Mary Jane, and life. My only really strong criticism is that Kirstin Dunst doesn't do much more than scream a lot in this movie.

3. Into the Spider-Verse Not to sound too much like Tobey Maguire's version of Peter Parker . . . but "Oh boy, yeah. I do love the Spider-Verse animated movies." The visual techniques and the animation techniques created for this genre of Spider-Man storytelling was and remains incredible to me. I'm so very happy that Miles Morales has been given such a strong platform to tell his own story of being Spider-Man. And that's not even given near enough time to Gwen Stacey's Spider-Gwen character, whom I dearly love as well! The first Spider-Verse animated movie was a promise of excellence to Spider-Man fans that has not been forgotten so far.

2. Spider-Man: Brand New Day I've only seen this movie once. But I really, really enjoyed it and look forward to watching it many more times. Yes . . . it was stuffed to the edges with characters and plot and stuff that it had to do. But I never felt that the story was lagging and I liked all of the choices. I'm not a huge Punisher guy. (The less said about the Netflix one-off, Punisher: One Last Kill, the better. Yet I've liked Bernthal's Punisher within the context of Daredevil. I really enjoyed the more sanitized version of the Punisher that is present in Brand New Day. And . . . finally, Holland's Peter gets to stand on his own feet and face his circumstances without the support scaffolding of Iron Man or Happy or Dr. Strange or Nick Fury or (R.I.P.) even Aunt May, MJ, or Ned. Peter's really going through it. He proves to himself and to us that he is up to the task. As we always knew he could be. Peter Parker's life (in most comic story lines) is never a walk in the park. This movie does a great job of showing how hard it is. It will earn billions!

1. Across the Spider-Verse It was hard to not place Brand New Day at the top of the list due to recency bias. But I have no sadness at all about saying that Across the Spider-Verse is the best Spider-Man movie. It is a visual spectacle. The sensory and character and joke overload of every Spider Society scene is incredible. Spider-Gwen gets to do even more in this movie and its all just a beautiful love letter to everything that makes the Spider-Man story universe so fun and appealing and beautiful and emotional and inspiring.

The MCU Ranked: An Ongoing List

Grace, Jay, and I are big fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). It's been many years in the making and over 30 films deep. I'm updating on WWYG?! the MCU rankings that we have compiled as we have watched the movies together.

And yes . . . you'll notice that we decided to include non-Marvel movies in our rankings. I regret nothing about this.

KEY:

Infinity Saga

Phase 1

Phase 2

Phase 3

Multiverse Saga

Phase 4

Phase 5

Phase 6 

(This list is always being updated, as new movies come out.) 

1. Spider-Man: Brand New Day

2. Spider-Man: Homecoming 

[n/r] Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse

3. Iron Man 3 

4. Spider-Man: No Way Home 

5. Spider-Man: Far From Home 

6. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings 

7. Avengers: Infinity War 

[n/r] Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse 

8. Black Panther 

9. Captain America: The Winter Soldier 

10. Guardians of the Galaxy 

[n/r] Deadpool 

11. Captain America: The First Avenger 

12. Thunderbolts*

13. The Fantastic Four: First Steps

14. Thor: Ragnarok 

15. Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 3

16. Black Widow 

17. Avengers: Endgame 

18. Ant-Man 

19. Ant-Man and the Wasp 

20. Captain America: Civil War 

21. Iron Man 

22. Deadpool & Wolverine

[n/r] Deadpool 2

23. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

24. Thor 

25. Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 

26. The Avengers 

27. The Marvels

28. Eternals 

29. Captain Marvel 

30. Iron Man 2 

31. Avengers: Age of Ultron 

32. Thor: Love and Thunder

33. Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness 

34. Doctor Strange

[n/a] Shazam!

35. Captain America: Brave New World 

36. Thor: The Dark World 

37. The Incredible Hulk (Ed Norton edition) 

38. Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania

Don't like our rankings? That's fine. I know there are others out there that will suit you better. Here is another web writers thoughts on the MCU phenomenon.

And what about the MCU TVverse?

I can't really scale them in the same list as the cinematic stories, so I'm creating a separate list here. (This includes the original ABC TV shows, the original Netflix shows, and the Disney+ series.)

1. Daredevil

2. Jessica Jones

3. Loki

4. She-Hulk: Attorney at Law

5. Agatha All Along

[special] Werewolf by Night

6. Daredevil: Born Again (only inclusive of s1 . . . so far?)

7. What If . . . ? (all of the current seasons)

8. Agent Carter

9. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier

10. WandaVision

11. Hawkeye

12. Ms. Marvel

13. The Punisher

14. Luke Cage

15. The Defenders

[special] The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special

16. Echo

17. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

18. Ironheart

19. Iron Fist

20. Cloak & Dagger

21. Moon Knight

22. Runaways

23. Inhumans

24. Secret Invasion

Football Counter-Programming 2025--Week 5: Rest in Peace

Recently, Robert Redford died. 

I don't have a very strong connection to Redford. As a child, I remember him in Out of Africa and The Natural. I've seen his version of Jay Gatsby. I certainly know him as S.H.I.E.L.D. director Alexander Pierce. But he hasn't been a huge acting presence in my life.

I know that so many people revere him, however. And when anyone of notoriety dies, the social media posts light up with praise and remembrances.

I want to highlight an observation that I liked from one such remembrance--via The Ringer. It posits that Redford shaped a new late 1960s & 1970s version of the male archetype as an in between space transitioning from the midcentury male who "bends but never breaks" [I'll suggest Captain Steve (America) Rogers, who can get up, dust himself off, and do this all day.] and the 1980s muscle-head who never stops inflicting himself and his pain on his target. [Here I'll point to Tony "Iron Man" Stark, who is a thinking version of Rambo--someone who always has whatever he needs to inflict him action on the enemy.]

Redford never came off as someone who would happily take a punch. He was too pretty for that. And he wasn't the angriest man in the room either.

I'm not a fighter. So, I could never pattern myself after a tough guy--either one of the Greatest Generation or of the Last Action Hero genre. But we need different versions of male attitude and action these days. If I have to pick, I'll pick Redford I suppose.

But, whomever you pick, don't pick College Football on a Saturday.

Thanks and see you next week.

Football Counter-Programming 2025--Week 4: A Blast from the (Recent) Past

Now is the week where I play catch up and get retroactively upset about something that either

a. you didn't even know happened--and maybe don't care (until I try to convince you otherwise), or 

b. you did know that it happened, but you don't care because . . . well, it happened a while ago. 

Ed. note: It occurs to me as I create this justification structure that it is very similar to the whole counter-programming effort. Here I am trying to convince you not to do something that you are already committed to. And the only shot I have to make you care is to pull out all of the rhetorical flourishes and engagements that I can come up with to swerve you into my direction. Unfortunately, since I set aside time to write these diatribes in a very narrow window that usually buts up against the start of the Saturday noon kickoff . . . my skill level and my creativity are often not up to the task I put before myself.

Andbutso . . . what is this past moment that got my retroactively upset?

Take a look at the accompanying image for this post.

Is it helping?

Sure, Sam Neill played a paleontologist in the past. But that is not the past that I am referring to. Or it is only part of that past. Paleontologists study the far distant past, using the fossilized remains of dinosaurs (and other flora and fauna) to help us understand the complexities of evolution and the historical development of our world.

But again, I'm also more upset about the recent past.

Because . . . last weekend I watched a past episode of Netflix's Everybody's Live with John Mulaney. (Specifically the April 2025 Dinosaur episode.) 

And when I watch it, I got PISSED.

Mulaney's tongue-in-cheek premise was (paraphrased) . . . are we sure about dinosaurs?

Meaning . . . do we have the whole story of dinosaurs right? Because he made some jokes about how scientists think they evolved into birds now. And that some dinosaurs had feathers then. And just how accurate can those museum skeletons be anyway? Those types of jokes.

Funny enough. And I'm not here to get crotchety and demand that John do a better job of explaining the scientific method and how uncertainty and the willingness to be wrong is baked into good science. And to get also not get into the history of how generations of paleontologists did in fact, very much so, get dinosaurs wrong at first. And then science did its thing and fossil records were better analyzed. And then science itself got better at pretty much everything. So today's dinosaurs are probably (in my opinion) on pretty solid ground, theory wise.

Those sorts of Neil DeGrasse Tyson attitudes just get in the way of the funny jokes. I get that.

This is not what upset me.

Because, after the monologue, John as well as his first guests Conan O'Brien and Ayo Adebiri, took some live phone calls from the live April 2025 airing. And the SECOND caller was non other than Dr. Jack Horner, himself. Noted paleontologist and the inspiration of Sam Neill's Jurassic Park character pictured above.

The problem was the Mulaney and his guests DID NOT recognize Dr. Horner for who he was and though he was just some yokel Ph.D. paleontologist from Rock State University or something. Maybe they don't care and I'm sure they don't. But hell, they live and film in Hollywood. Couldn't SOMEONE on the staff have enough knowledge of recent film blockbusters to know who was calling and swerve the conversation into some joke trajectory that made sense? Rather than simply treating like any other scientist that they don't know.

Maybe it couldn't have happened in the moment of the phone conversation--which was pretty short and silly. So I get then why a off-stage production assistant couldn't talk to Mulaney's earpiece (?) and correct him. But the episode continued for anther 40ish minutes after the initial phone call and NO ONE figured out what had happened and didn't think to write up a cue card to get Mulaney to throw back to the earlier phone call with a bit more context?

Just a huge missed opportunity.

I'm still kind of upset about it.

But not as upset as YOU will be if you spend several hours of your Saturday watching college football.

Read a Michael Crichton book instead, why don't you?

And remember, your land-grant alma mater is desperately looking for enough funds to pay hard working scientists to keep doing quality research. The athletic department doesn't need any more of your help.

Until next week . . . remember also . . . that life finds a way.

Martin Scorsese films that I have seen . . . ranked

 In my effort to see more Oscar nominated movies before yesterday's 96th Academy Awards, I sat down with Grace on Saturday and watched Killers of the Flower Moon. And I had feelings about it. And while I'm glad to have watched it, I do not think it was inappropriately snubbed at the ceremony on Sunday. But I'm not a professional movie critic . . . just a guy who's seen an average to less than average amount of films.

Definitely file this in the "Who Asked You?" file.

TOP

The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

Gangs of New York (2002)

Goodfellas (1990)

Cape Fear (1991)

The Color of Money (1986)

The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)

Taxi Driver (1976)

The Aviator (2004)

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

BOTTOM

A Comparison

 

Football Counter-Programming 2023: Week 13

How can I possibly counter-program you today?

If you live where I live, you are facing generational expectations to watch The Game between OSU and Michigan. A historic rivalry that blah, blah. (Go look it all up. I'm not here to lay it out for you.) Every week it is this team versus that team. But THIS week, it's often my team versus that most hated team.

Anyway . . . how do I fight against that?

Weakly and with little effort it would seem.

Because my idea for today is to run back something I wrote a long time ago.

I was inspired to look this movie up again and watch it Friday night. I liked it at the time and still like it to this day. 

As you may know, if you follow me on Facebook and Twitter, I've been on a Superman focused run these last several months. I'm retwatching all of the episodes of The WB/CW's "Smallville"--which was airing when Superman Returns arrived in theaters.

Tom Welling was, therefore, already in the consciousness as Clark Kent (though the premise of Smallville insisted that he was not yet Superman--with the rule "No flights; no tights." And Michael Rosenbaum was doing a great job of being YA Lex Luthor. I'm sure there was not much serious consideration of Welling and Rosenbaum moving to the big screen while they were Earth-bound in Kansas. But it would have been interesting to find a way to work them in somehow? But contracts being what they are, I'm sure it couldn't have happened.

Perhaps as a result of Superman Returns, Smallville did a strong job through it's 10 seasons of weaving older Superman movie actors into its mythos. (Christopher Reeve, Margot Kidder, Terrance Stamp, Marc McClure, Helen Slater.) 

You can read the full review here, with this link to my old WWYG?Q Omnimedia site. I stand by everything I wrote back in 2006. I was exactly right and I still stand by the idea that Brandon Routh was a very good Superman that should have had another shot at the Man of Steel. His consolation prize as a character on "Chuck" is also dear to my heart, but I think he would have done a great job if people had been more receptive to Bryan Singer's reintroduction of the story.

So, anyway . . . go read that and do something like I'm doing today. Decorate your house for Christmas or make that leftover turkey pot pie. Just don't watch football!

Until next time!

Let's Talk About Beginnings and Endings

 Since we got rid of cable I rely on streaming services for the majority of my passive media. And one drawback of that is that I tend to dip back into things that I have already seen because . . . well, the library of entertainment is large and the output of new things is slow. Reruns and rewatches of familiar things is sort of the inevitable end result of such a situation.

But that is not always bad. And it led to an interesting thought for today.

I sat down and decided to begin rewatching J.J. Abram's Star Trek (2009). And if you like this movie, as I do, you remember how it begins. The U.S.S. Kelvin is minding its own business out in space when a mystery ship appears from an anomalous "lightning storm in space" and summarily kicks the shit out of the Kelvin without so much as a how-do-you-do. The Kelvin's captain is killed and acting captain George Kirk does his best to keep the remaining crew alive by evacuating shuttles and shooting down torpedoes before heroically colliding with the mystery ship. The Kelvin's crew survives--including his wife who just gave birth to one James Tiberius Kirk. The scene begins with a rousing orchestral variation on the movie's theme and after the battle is done, the movie jumps from space to Iowa, Earth where a young James T. steals a Mustang convertible and does his best Thelma and Louise to "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys.

A great ten minutes of sadness, action, and thrills.

Do you remember that George Kirk is played (briefly) by a pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth? Did you know that two of the Chrises were possibly on set that early in their rise to movie dominance? 

But let's shift to endings.

Specifically the ending scene of another of those Chrises. Evans, this time . . . in his own moment of movie glory that began this new phase of his own career. As Steve Rogers, in the final heroic moments of Captain America: The First Avenger.

Do you remember? 

Cap has defeated Nazis and rescued the Howling Commandoes from Red Skull.  But Red Skull has launches his massive Flying Wing bomber and has plans to drop those bombs on New York City, Chicago, and D.C. (maybe?) But Steve gets on the plane, defeats Red Skull (or lets Red Skull's hubris defeat himself) and prepares to get back home to Peggy and post war freedom. Unfortunately the bomber malfunctions and Steve has to intentionally crash the plane to save people.

So, two Chrises . . . early in their MCU (or pre-MCU) trajectory . . . intentionally crash their craft to save others. And both of them, in their pre-crash last moments have heartfelt good-bye speeches with their partners. Hemsworth's Kirk talks to his wife mid-labor and gets to help name James and say goodbye before the Kelvin collides with the Romulan mining vessel. Evan's Rogers talks to Peggy Carter and tries to keep it light. He promises Peggy that he will survive and will meet up with her in Europe to go dancing. They both know that it is false. But they get to say goodbye in a fashion.

I'd like to imagine Hemsworth and Evans swapping set stories about those moments on the set of The Avengers movie.

Beginnings and Endings.

Football Counter-Programming 2022: Week 12

 

I went to the mall this morning.

It was depressing--as all trips to the mall are.

Every time I go, I am bracing internally for which stores have closed, which ones are clearly going out of business, and which table-side vendors are going to be trying to entice me if I make the mistake of accidentally making eye-contact with them as I walk by.

What was I going to the mall for? No . . . it wasn't for pre-Thanksgiving Christmas purchases.

I was there to drop off about six old iPhones at the Apple store to (hopefully) get the parts recycled and other items responsibly disposed of. These technological relics had been riding shotgun in my car for months and I finally decided to take care of getting rid of them.

BUT . . . while I was there, I ran across some really choice items that--while I would not want to own them myself, it does provide blog fodder for some counter-programming.

My theme?

And people say that men are hard to shop for . . .

I start with this one because it is slightly different in theme than the rest. It's so masculine and I just love Pacino's Tony Montana centered front middle--specifically posed with his little friend. I note internally that while I has only watched the Godfather movies and Goodfellas out of the media listed here, it is all immediately recognizable to me.

If you buy this for home display, it feels like it is best located in a basement Man Cave bar or in a shot garage or something. But what do I know? Maybe it hangs in your downstairs half-bath. You be you.

Next up we have this beauty.

This is the one that immediately caught my eye as I walked past the display area the first time. (Make of that what you will.) And I circled back to it on the way out to photograph it and the others. Lots to "love" about the idea here. (And there if there was a similar "Who's Your Batman" version amidst all of the other pictures, I sadly missed it.

I don't see Cesar Romero's Joker from 1966 on the wall behind these modern Jokers--which is definitely a shame. Especially since they are calling out famous Joker art and iconography from so many famous comics and graphic novels along the way. And I like that Nicholson's 80's Tim Burton Joker is acting as the patriarch of this evil trio--not getting his hair cut but dispensing wisdom to his fellow Joker-come-latelys.

This one is less Easter-eggy than the Jokers. There are fewer items on the wall behind. (Or maybe I'm just less familiar with what is there.) But I find it noteworthy that Bryan Cranston's Walter White has graduated into the pantheon of these murderous heavy-hitters. (What would Jessie think?) 

Swerving into a more wholesome direction we have this combo. The funniest part of this combination is obviously the Hulk calmly waiting for a haircut. (I guess the barber chair is made of vibrainium or adamantium or something? No way a stock chair will handle Hulk's bulk. Or maybe not even the Iron Man armor either.) 

And I hope Stan has a soap box to stand on when trying to get the shear's at the top of Hulk's head.

What is Cap thinking about as he relaxes on the right? Probably Peggy I guess. Or maybe Bucky. But he seems disengaged in the conversation. He has memories and experiences that the others in the scene don't . . . so I guess it makes some sense.

Now . . . the larger question is, why these three? Three appears to be the magic number in these picture designs. But are Black Widow and Hawkeye just not good enough (again)? Is Thor just not interested in Earthly haircuts? Or are his locks not cuttable by Earth's Best Equipment? (Or maybe the Stan Lee space barber scene in Thor: Ragnarok has already covered this territory suitably?)

Finally we have this.

And first off, it must be said that Snape needs to get a severe shampooing before any barber is going to cut his hair. Because it is well know--according to many students--as being greasy. But also . . . why couldn't we get a Three Joker's-style image with Harris's, Gambon's, and Law's Three Dumbledores? (Are the Fantastic Beasts movies so out-of-favor that it won't be considered?)

The answer to that last question is yes.

And why is Professor Flitwick being forced into--as Malfoy has said--"servant stuff" cutting Hagrid's hair?

Anyway . . . there you go.

I think that staring carefully at these images will definitely provide suitable diversion against college football. There are lots of details to delight in here. And I have only raised a few of many questions that can be confronted with this art. All of which are more interesting and diverting that whether or not your corner back is going to overcome his academic problems to make it onto the field today.

So boo to college football and yay to mysterious media art!

See you next week.

FCP Week 4: The Matrix Resurrections trailer discussion

 

Welcome back to another week of avoiding football. How is that going for you? Are you watching less? Thinking about other things more? Here are my thoughts for this weekend, to divert and intrigue you. And as you can likely guess, I'm choosing to focus on the Matrix: Resurrections trailer that came out a week and a half ago. 

So I guess it is a good thing no one reads this blog or stakes any decisions on what I do--except on whether or not they watch football.

I realize that this movie  ISN'T Marvel content (which appears to be the theme of this year's Football Counter-Programming). But even so, it IS heavily based on nostalgia. Much of the discussion so far on Spider-Man: No Way Home--which has been a strong current of FCP--is definitely nostalgia. And well, let's be honest here--in order to convince people to go and watch this new Matrix movie, it's going to have to address and fixing the sins of the past. And I think that was a dominant theme of last week's movie focus--Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. 

So, I feel that it works.

PLUS, you guys . . . you just don't know (except for some of my oldest most loyal listeners) how much the Matrix movies meant to me in the early 00s. As much as I spent time debating Tobey Maguire at lunch, I also spend much time crafting intricate emails to convince people to go see the Matrix movies with me. 

I read philosophical texts. 

I was INTO. IT.

So as much as I truly enjoyed watching this trailer and was strongly moved by the choice of "White Rabbit" as the music cue . . . fool me twice (or in a near future thrice) and well . . . definitely shame on me.

The trailer certainly looks promising. I’ll grant that. But is it any good? Am I willing to risk it? 

As I’ve said, I've been burned by the sequels. And as I’ve gotten older I am less willing to give something a try when logic and reason tell me I should stay away. 

Heck, I watched the Animatrix. I tried to understand! And then the movies just disappointed. And confused. Did the Architect.s speech make any sense at all? Will this movie make sense? 

It’ll definitely have style. And it might be worth going to see purely on style and visual skill alone. Is that enough? 

Do you go to a football game (not that I’m here to encourage you to think about football right now--except that I clearly am right now.). But let's continue down this inadvisable path.

Do you go to a football game because you like the style of the uniforms? You are there to see your team win. In sports, winning is the equivalent of a movie making sense. You can all sit in the stadium and enjoy a pleasant afternoon and see colorful guys dressed up in uniforms doing their thing. And making nice formations. (Yes, it does sound like I’m describing marching band right now.) 

But if the team loses--or if the marching band's music makes no sense--then is it really what you’re there for? 

So if the Matrix: Resurrections is only going to be stylistic, then I shouldn’t give them upwards of 45 of my dollars for me and members of my family to go see it. Right? 

What is the point of movies anyway? They’re incredibly visual, because that is the inherent nature of the medium. But there are other types of stories. That’s the core of Martin Scorsese‘s hatred of the Marvel movies. He thinks that style and visuals have overwhelmed story to such a degree that you’re going to see fireworks and nothing else. (See how I slipped Marvel into this week's post even though you thought I was going to forget about it?) Are movies better than a play because of their strongly visual capability? Or are movies better than reading a short story? 

If story is really why you seek out entertainment, then you should be going for what speaks to you. Not what looks good to you. 

And in case you’re wondering, yeah . . . I love Marvel movies, as you clearly know. But I love them in part because of the story. I like how it all connects together and how everything influences everything else. It is an act of storytelling. That story may not be to your particular liking, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a story.

So, I'm hoping that the Matrix sequel is good. 

And I hope that you don't watch football this weekend. 

Because drum major's sometimes fall down. And sometimes it gets caught on video. And the game goes on anyway.

So, watching the game won't help. Just find something else to do.

Until next week!

FCP Week 3--Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

 It's Saturday and I'm sitting down to write this while a great many people in the Ohio area are most certainly watching football. Does this discourage me? No. It only makes my conviction stronger. My crusade to put something else in your weekend social networks feed beside football is still going. And I won't stop.

This week, it's a continuation of the Marvel theme that I started a few week ago. This time it's a movie review for the newest entry in the MCU--Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.

In case you aren't big MCU fans--or in case you just haven't been following entertainment news in the last months, a brief explanation.

Shang-Chi . . . is the 25'th MCU movie. But it is the first one with a majority (almost entire?) Asian cast. As the MCU moves into Phase 4 of it's decades-plus project, it continues widening its scope in character, setting, culture. Most definitely this expansion in representation is a very long time coming. But this story put a spotlight on that effort and raised the stakes in the movie's success.

Shang-Chi has a comics history. As I have learned in recent weeks of podcasts and blog post readings, his comics story originated in the 1970s when Marvel chose to capitalize on the kung-fu craze that the United States was experiencing thanks to Bruce Lee and Enter The Dragon. (Along with David Carradine's "Kung Fu" TV show.) In my own life, I remember these kung fu movies playing on Saturday afternoons when I was a kid. Such things were not my favorite types of entertainment, but over the years I've watched bits and pieces of these movies. In the 1980s, I loved the Snake Eyes G.I. Joe character. I'm certainly familiar with the stereotypes and the tropes that have defined and surrounded some of the Asian portrayals that have happened in my lifetime.

For a very illumination look at more of this history of Asian stereotyping and a in-depth intro (?) into the culture of it--and how it specifically relates to Shang-Chi, I recommend this Ringer post. It helps explain what hurdles the newly rebooted Shang-Chi comics and this movie in particular fought against.

So, how did I enjoy the movie itself? I really, really enjoyed it. After the movie, we discussed it and updated the MCU Rankings to reflect its score. As you can see, it ranked very high--into our top five.

What did I like about the movie? I really liked the characters! Shang-Chi was interesting and certainly his father (the villain--sort of) of the movie was also interesting and engaging and I felt more involved with his story than most MCU villains.

The cinematography of the movie was truly outstanding. Some of the scenes and the special effects employed was quite amazing and beautiful to look at. The music was good, if not the best MCU soundtrack that I've ever heard. And the movie was funny when it should be and serious when it needed to be. The story was engaging.

Even though it sounds bad of my to say this, I thought that the bus fight in the first thirty minutes of the movie was a stand out moment. Fundamentally, this movie is an origin story to introduce you to who Shang-Chi is and why his story is important. But it isn't a character drama. Its an action movie. And that bus fight scene was the most impressive action sequence of the whole movie. I have always liked the Lumerian Star ship fight scene at the start of Captain America: The Winter Soldier as my favorite action sequence in the MCU. But this Shang-Chi bus scene was much more impressive.

Some of the best choices made in the movie were also the most surprising. Including the return of Trevor Slattery--the MCU character played by Ben Kingsley in one of my favorite MCU movies, Iron Man 3. Kingsley's Slattery "portrays" the famous comics villain The Mandarin. And his version of that character is played for laughs and definitely opened up some interesting questions when the plot of this movie was first announced. But the return of Slattery provided Marvel a chance to apologize in a way for their whitewashing of the character. I thought Slattery's return was appropriate and interesting.

What I didn't like about the movie? That said . . . I thought that Slattery's involvement in the movie was longer than it needed to be. And I really didn't need more and more of Morris the magical cat/dog/bird thing that was Slattery's sidekick. Morris himself represented the third act shift of the movie plot that spun it from a street-level movie about a martial artist and the crime syndicate that he knew too much about. 

Instead it abruptly shifted into a magic, mystical, otherworldly story that has clearly become the focal point of MCU Phase 4. And if you didn't need too much of that, then your opinion of this movie likely dropped from that point forward. I didn't mind it, exactly. But it was the least interesting and least developed part of the plot.

I hope that you take some time to go and see this film in a safe and thoughtful way. If you like Marvel movies, I think that you will like this one. And if you don't like it . . . well, there is always football to take up your time. 

But I really hope you don't choose that route.

Movie Review: Black Widow

 

The family reentered movie theaters this past week to celebrate the newest edition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe--the long delayed and long awaited Black Widow backstory for Scarlett Johansson's Avenger.

The TL;DR review of the movie? 

I really enjoyed it. I thought it was equally fun, engaging, funny, and spectacle. 

It is perhaps not surprising to you to learn that the MCU is expert at generating this stuff after a decade + of cranking out these films. And so I was not objective and I fully expected to enjoy myself. And well, I did.

As usual, we ranked the film according to our basic criteria that Grace and I created to evaluate each MCU entry: 1 point each for Plot, Hero, Villain, Music, Cinematography, and End Scene. The only areas that got less than a point were villain and music. 

Those results were of no particular surprise, because the MCU has a long history of not knowing how to handle villains well. And the music for Black Widow was only standard MCU symphonic fair (with the exception of the weird cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that was included just to remind you that this movie scrambled the chronology of the films. 

I think you can see that our highest ranked movies benefit from having a strong villain character and having strong music. That is a reason that the Spiderman movies do so well in our rankings. (Along side the undeniable fact that I am an unrepentant Spiderman fanboy.) 

Slight aside #1--Apparently, based on some post watch reviews that I've listened to, the MCU version of Taskmaster is quite different in Black Widow than is true in the comics canon. But as I have no frame of reference for that, I'll only say that everything about the Taskmaster--with the slight exception of the reveal of who is under the helmet--gave off strong Winter Soldier vibes. And I will ALSO say that every time someone threw around that circular shield, I felt a pang of sadness inside.

(I miss you Steve. I celebrate Sam Wilson and his role as new Cap. But, I miss Steve Rogers. Or maybe I miss Chris Evans? Or maybe the recent July 4th holiday has me thinking about America's Ass again?)

Slight aside #2--My kids recently got me interested in the British show "Taskmaster." It is a reality type of game show where celebrities and comedians in the UK compete in bizarre tasks and get points for how inventively and how creatively and how successfully they accomplish the tasks. It is a fun show that contrasts the different approaches of the different contestants. 

Having watched it, I struggled to keep the correct frame of reference for this MCU villain.

Back to the review--I very much enjoyed David Harbour's character. But I also would have appreciated more space to learn about the Red Guardian. Harbour also gave off strong Hopper vibes from "Stranger Things" in the fact that he was playing patriarch to a found family of wayward ladies. 

(I'd like to know how Eleven might mix it up with Natasha and Yelena in a family reunion. Since Hopper was last ween in Russia during the end scene of Stranger Things season 3, don't rule anything out just yet.)

Florence Pugh was great as Yelena Belova. I haven't seen much other acting work by her. But my kids were big fans of Midsommer and they also liked the recent remake of Little Women. And Pugh is currently dating Zach Braff--who I have liked in past work. No complaints from me. She had a believable little sister vibe. And I too like a versatile vest with pockets.

I was also very pleased to learn that the "Romanoffs" were from Ohio. I now imagine that Black Widow unwound on the weekend by catching up on DVR'ed Buckeye football games. (I'll see if I can work this into my next season's Football Counter-Programming thought process.) And while I agree with reviewers who say that Natasha deserved a national monument for saving the universe, a nondescript grave in somewhere Ohio is a nice choice. 

My thoughts on the End Scene? How dare you slander Hawkeye? The Countess is definitely not showing herself to be a good guy--despite the charming ways of Julia Louis Dreyfuss. I am curious about the cut-rate Avengers team that  the Countess is trying to assemble.

Slight aside #3--Was this movie conceived only to pay off all of the Hawkeye/Black Widow references of who remembers Budapest better?

Slight aside #4--Research tells me that there is something called the Thunderbolts . . . or maybe the Dark Avengers. (Seriously!) This could represent what the Countess is doing with John Walker, aka U.S. Agent and Yelena Belova. But I only know that from reading the Internet. Will this be another Disney+ show in a few years?

In the end, I think this was a good showcase for Scarlett Johansson--even if the nature of her character turned her into Florence Pugh and David Harbour's straight (wo)man. It might have been different if a Black Widow movie had been made five or six years ago. And it probably would only have diminished something mostly non-essential like Ant Man and the Wasp. Johansson should have received more prominence in the MCU. And it should have come before Captain Marvel.

But as we have learned during this summer of Disney+, time is malleable and choices matter. There are infinite possibilities in the multiverse. And even the greatest Avengers can be replaced when a suitable candidate comes along.

COV243D-19: Football-Counter Programming B1G Week 2

It's Halloween and its week 2 of Big 10 football. And there are three days until the 2020 election. (Those things are not ranked in order of importance.) But I'm only here to divert you from one of those things.

Have you every seen the movie "Disturbia"? Its a early 2000s movie starring Shia LaBoeuf. And I have a strong fondness for it. And that is most likely because of the fact that I have long liked Jimmy Stewart's "Rear Window". And Disturbia is just an updated version of that Hitchcock classic. LaBoeuf is playing the teen version of Stewart's L.B. Jefferies. But Shia is undergoing house arrest with an ankle bracelet rather than recovering from a broken leg suffered during a car race photoshoot.

But both characters are obsessed with strange happenings outside their window. LaBoeuf is suspicious of his suburban neighbor (played with always perfect creepiness by David Morse--who has made a living playing dudes who are disturbing and off.)

But this movie is more than just a digital remake of a Hitchcock classic. I was watching the last thirty minutes of it today and I noticed that in the final moments of the movie, as LaBoeuf is trying to save his mom from Morse, and as he is trying to draw the police to the crime scene, he does a few things that echoed other movies.

He jumps in a neighboring pool (from a roof) to break the established boundaries of the ankle bracelet. And the camera gets down at water level with him to be all dramatic. And that reminded me of the pool scene in "Poltergeist". And also, there is a scene where LaBoeuf is holding a pair of hedge clippers. And that made me think of any number of "Friday the 13th" movies. And there is another scene a previous victim of Morse is uncovered. And she is wrapped in plastic. And that made me think of "Twin Peaks".

So, what I'm saying is that Disturbia is a much more layered and nuanced movie that you think it is.

Happy Halloween everyone!

And don't watch football today!

COV45D-19

As I believe I've mentioned, Hannah and I are watching Star Wars: Rebels (an animated series on Disney+).

A few weeks back, Lynda was watching the show with us and she asked, while watching a space dogfight between Star Wars fighter ships, what happened to laser bolts that were always being fired from ships but then missed the TIE fighter or the lasers shot from Imperial Star Destroyers that didn't intersect with a trusty X-Wing or Cpt. Syndulla's ship, The Ghost.

At the time, my immediate thought was the laser bolt (blast?) eventually dissipated, even though there was no friction in space to cause a loss of velocity. Because the alternative result gave me concerns.

Think about it.

Without inertia to cause a reduction in speed, things in space will continue moving forward, or at least their direction will change due to an external action--maybe gravity, maybe solar wind, maybe the chance random strike from a micro-meteoroid. But once set in motion, an object in space will keep on moving. I assume this is even more true of laser weapons that are firing light-based weapons. Without any "object" to possibly be inertially altered . . . does that mean that laser bolts that miss its target in space just keep on going and going and going--until a target is actually found?

I dismissed this theoretical experiment.

But THEN . . . weeks later Hannah and I were watching the episodes at the end of season 3.

During the climactic events of those episodes, the Empire's Grand Admiral Thrawn's begins an "orbital bombardment" of Chopper Base. In doing so, he orders the Star Destroyers to begin firing its laser cannons from orbit down to pepper the planetside with impacts. And this made me fear that Lynda had been right all along. I had dismissed her suggestion largely based on some unknown "range" of distance that a fired laser blast could travel. And because of what I have seen from Star Wars battles in the past--and because I didn't want to confront the awful possibilities--I assumed this range was maybe thousands of meters but nothing more.

And then, seeing those self-same lasers pepper a planet's surface from orbit . . . I knew the truth at last.

Do you understand the danger here? 

If the limit of these laser blasts is much farther (perhaps limitless if Newton and Einstein are correct), then the truth is . . . these laser bolts just keep on traveling. If a gunner is not accurate enough to hit its target that blasted bolt just keeps on going, outside the orbit of the planet*, out into the void between planets, and out into wider space. And that means that space travel is truly dangerous--at least if you choose to do it during a time of galactic conflict. Because there are space battles happening in systems across the Star Wars galaxy at any given time. And judging by what I see in the movies, there are PLENTY of missed shots. And so those laser bolts are just mindlessly cruising out into space. One is not such a danger. But hundreds of them? Thousands of them? Crisscrossing every which way? Upon every axis? In all directions? It's an ever-expanding laser cage of creeping destruction!

You could be a peaceful family. Or a neutral trader? Or anyone at all, moving through the hyperlanes of the galaxy, completely unaware that at any moment a stray laser bolt will intersect your ship! You'll at the very least face damage. But you might very likely face your doom! All because the Imperial academy didn't train its Stormtrooper pilots better. Or because the Rebellion will take on any untrained bush pilot who owns his own ship and has a grudge--but precious little in the way of target practice.

*And you might say I"m wrong about this--or that a planet's own particular gravity well is strong enough to prevent misguided blasts from escaping into the outreaches of non-battle space. But then, Star Wars dog fights should, in fact, turn into a game of Angry Birds Star Wars, where you are purposefully bending bolts around orbital paths to catch a ship unawares on the flip side of your shot. (If you've got the time to pull off such a shot, I applaud your skill.)

COV41D-19

Finally! Something fun and diverting to blog about that isn't being stuck in my house day after day or something about the worries of the future!

Let's get back to the nonsense that has defined WWYG?! for almost 1.5 proud decades. (Can you believe I've been periodically trying to waste your time like this for SO LONG?)

What, you say?

This:

Which #Avengers would make your team if you were given ONLY $15? Share your picks with us! pic.twitter.com/7R1GgeUZkV

— Entertainment Weekly (@EW) April 21, 2020

So, let's really get into it. What sort of Avenger team would I put together with $15?

1. Obviously, I want to just buy three Captain Americas and move on. Or maybe one Cap and two Spidermen and just buy nuggets with my change. But that is shortsighted and not the mark of a quality leader or a smart General Manager.

2. The complete disrespect shown for Falcon and Winter Soldier here is hard to forgive. (And if you think that is based on their proximity to Cap . . . well, then, you are right.)

3. Also--what are the rules? (Other than the dollar limit?) How many people should be on a team? Is three too few? Is there an expected number? My gut reaction landed on five members. But that is--of course--based on the money I spent and not solely on the fact that I think five is optimal. But anything less than four seems too risky. If you can explain the psychology behind that assumption, please do fill me in.

4. But enough complaints. Who would my team actually be? Let's break it down.

First, my most important pick is Spiderman for $4.

Anyone who knows me can't be surprised by this pick. I've loved Spiderman for years. And I've seriously debated in my head ways to tattoo something Spidey related on my own ordinary body. I've even recently stated that I would willingly inject myself with possible genetics-altering serum in the minuscule chance that I might become Spiderman! Even if it went horribly wrong and I had to then amputate the injected arm! Why? 

Because a slight chance to be Spiderman is better than absolutely no chance. 

I've never had great body coordination, so his agility is extremely tempting. His confidence and his otherwise "ordinariness" is also great. But as much as ANY of that, his superhero costume is unbeatably the best costume design ever. Comic book artists make a living redesigning great ideas . . . but even the changes they've made over the years doesn't diminish the essential power of Spiderman's look.

Spiderman isn't Captain America. And I'm sad to lose Steve. But . . . Spiderman--as presented by Tom Holland in the MCU--is Tony Stark lite. So, I feel that I'm getting $0.50 of Iron Man with this pick as well. So I think its a strategic move that matches my interests.

For my second pick, I'm spending $2 on Rocket Raccoon.

Surprised? Here's why this is a bargain.

He's very, very smart. Incredibly strategic and craft. He's a weapons genius. AND he gives me access to space. To field a decent Avengers team, there has to be some connection to space. (Plus . . . Rocket is voiced by Bradley Cooper, who played the excellent Will Tippin on Alias alongside Jennifer Garner. So--yeah.)

Pick #3--I'm grabbing Falcon for an insulting $1 price. Sam Wilson is a trained soldier, an expert at exosuit flight, is unequivocally trusted by Steve Rogers the most honest man on Earth, AND he inherits the mantle of Captain America when Steve "retires" into the past. And you're telling me that he is only worth a measly buck?! Thank you very much!

Pick #4--War Machine. Another insult at only $1.

Can you see how I'm maximizing value here? Spiderman has all of the technical gadgetry of Stark Enterprises with his Iron Spider suit. And War Machine is essentially a less headstrong Tony Stark as well. He isn't genius-level like Tony is, but please don't forget how smart Peter Parker is--or how smart Rocket is for that matter.

Pick #5--and I've barely spent half of my $15 to this point so I'm doing just great . . . so let's splurge a bit and grab Hawkeye for $4. All the Renner-heads know what I'm up to here. And anyone who has ever heard of the comics artist Matt Fraction is also nodding their head like that Jack Nicholson gif. But beyond those things, Hawkeye is an incredibly talented archer who is also incredibly brave. He faces unimaginable foes of all types armed with no superpowers at all, precious little in the way of body protection, and keeps coming back. Plus I identify that he's a family man who has a solid relationship with his wife and kids. He's seen lots of war and conflict, so he's seasoned. He and War Machine have the gravitas needed to keep everyone focused when things get tight and they can command respect to shut Rocket up as needed.* 

***

Originally I had planned to just leave it there with these excellent five choices. But why leave $3 on the table? There are good $3 choices available, but I wasn't sure which way to jump between my immediate first two options--Loki or Wasp.

Loki is good because he brings disruptive, unpredictable qualities to the team similar to Rocket. But both of them can be real softies if the right buttons are pushed. Loki has good thief skills and he can definitely throw a good party when we are done with successful missions. And he also strengthens that crucial Space connection.

Wasp, on the other hand, brings some necessary feminity to the team (though young Peter helps with that . . . as would Loki.) Wasp has the power to get small. (And every Steve Martin fan wants that.) Her Pym Tech technology can give the team incredible abilities to work in and through all environments and problems. Plus . . . I really like Evangeline Lilly who was a six-year lead on LOST--one of my other favorite TV shows. She might be able to bring in some help from Ant-Man from time to time. 

So, either Loki or Wasp would be a wonderful addition to the team. Which of those two should I spend my last $3 on?

*And now that I'm taking a look at my team, I'm realizing that they are all quite sarcastic as well--a quality that I enjoy immensely.

COV14D-19

Everyone has more time to watch movies--or so they keep saying--so I'm going to focus on one of my favorite movies today. This was prompted by (and the content in this post is very likely influenced by) The Rewatchables podcast I listened to today.

I'm placing a photo here that makes it seem like you can click to listen to the podcast within this post. But alas Spotify won't let me embed. So, click on the image to launch the Ringer Web site where you CAN listen to the audio. Or better yet, subscribe to The Rewatchables on your favorite podcast app. It's a good one.

This movie is, of course, the sequel to the Ocean's 11 film starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, and a host of eight other actors. They were teaming up to pull off the most elaborate casino heist in modern movie history. Besides that, this movie was a remake of a Rat Pack movie from the late 1950s/early 1960s? (I could look it up, but I'm not going to.)

Ocean's 12 brings the gang back together to pull off another heist that is even bigger, even more complicated, and with twice the location shooting and cinematic verve. I've always heard that most people didn't like this sequel--though they did seem to enjoy Ocean's 13. But while I like Ocean's 11 quite a lot and while I also like Ocean's 13 just fine, I really, really like Ocean's 12 much more than the average person seems to.

What do I like so much about it? (In no particular order.)

1. The Julia Roberts Rome museum scene is great. The first time I watched it I was so struck by the oddballness of having all of the cinematic walls broken. It is my favorite scene in the movie to rewatch.

2. The reveal of the bag switch in the last 25 minutes of the film upends all that you thought you saw in the movie. And I like the way that the movie changes your perspective so quickly.

3. Everything about the movie is so relaxed and so scrambled. The actors seem like they are genuinely having a great time. And I don't know how they wrote the script for this film (assuming that much of it wasn't ad-libbed), because the dialogue as performed is so scattered and choppy and interwoven. I just can't imagine how you see the conversations and then write them. But it is so fun and fizzy to listen to. And the plot--such as it is--is very scant and there is not a lot of connective tissue that tells you what you are supposed to be understanding. It is a confusing story--but I like it because the confusion has such style.

4. Matt Damon's character is so desperate and lost.

5. The random Topher Grace scene at the start is a very good mood setter for the rest of the movie that comes. (I won't call it a cameo because I'm not entirely sure that he is actually supposed to playing himself or just someone who happens to be named Topher Grace who is an actor. Yeah, I"m overthinking it.)

6. The music in Ocean's 12 is just great. It's a tonal mood rather than songs. But they are memorable and quite fun.

So--that's it.

Do you like Ocean's 12? Or do you like any of these movies? If so, what is your favorite character?

COV3D-19

I'm going to try and figure out how to handle this Star Wars problem.

I've tried several times in the last few years to address the best order of how to watch the Start Wars movies. And I still like the Abrams flashback method that, I think, best solved the problem of how to make the prequels a more engaging part of the overall story.

Attempt Number one: The Abrams Influence Method

Attempt Number two: My Newest Star Wars Watch Order Post

Attempt Number three: The Star Wars Watch Order Free-For-All

But I never absolutely figured out how to incorporate Rogue One into the story. And last time I wrote about this I didn't know what I now know about the Mandalorian. Nor did I figure out how to Handle (see what I did there?) "Solo: A Star Wars Story". So, I'm going to try and tackle some of those problems now. And I'm also going to rework the way that I visually display these movies in sequence. Because that was a hurdle in my desire to keep writing about this in the future.

So--let's go . . . back to a galaxy far, far away.

I think that the best place to start on this rewatch is NOT with the prequels--even though they come first in the chronology of all of this. As I've said before, the prequels are just not strong enough on their own to draw you into the story properly. That idea is at the heart of the Abrams flashback method. So, I will stick with that original idea and begin the journey with where it truly began back in 1977.

IV--A New Hope He's a young unknown boy from a backwater planet of Tattooine on the galaxy's outer rim. She's a privileged princess of the wealthy planet of Alderaan. He once only dreamed of bullseyeing womp rats with his T-16 and then maybe seeing more of the world.

But ever since he met her, he's been having uncomfortable dreams that his Aunt Beru never prepared him for. And his growing obsession isn't helped by an unexplained itch in his head that it just isn't right. If only Old Ben were still around. I'm sure he would be able to provide all the useful information!

V--The Empire Strikes Back Everything is going great! He's a total hero! Sure, his aunt and uncle are dead now. And so is his mentor Ben. But he swears that at his moment of doubt back when attacking the Death Star . . . he thought he heard Ben reassuring him. And when he gets too stressed out, he knows that she'll be there. He saw how she looked at him during the medal ceremony! True, she also gave that other guy some kind of look when they were together. But she's nice. She was just being polite. And the way that she kissed him when he was recovering in the hospital. That other guy sure noticed THAT.

Besides, he got other problems right now. This swamp planet is kinda gross. And his puppet master. Sorry, puppet. No, I meant master is a real taskmaster (yes, that's it). And he's learning so much about being a Jedi. She'll definitely notice the difference when he gets back to her. And nothing is more seductive than being a hero! Now if only he'd quit having dreams again--and these dreams are not the nice ones he'd had a while back. These are very upsetting. Maybe I'd better tell my pupil . . . no, my puppet . . . no! my Master about them.

. . .

Cloud City huh?  Seems nice. And uh . . . oh NO! It's THAT dark guy. Darth guy? Anyway. Fight, fight, fight. OWWWWW!

WHAAATTTT?????

*flashback begins*

I--The Phantom Menace Yer a wizard Ani! / I'm a whot? / A space wizard!

Are you an angel? / Are you Keira Knightly?

Is he a senator / Is he sinister?

Does that guy have horns?

Obi-Ewan, why can't you keep hold of your lightsaber? But good job cutting that horned guy in half. He'll definitely NOT be a problem in the future.

Messa gonna be a big hit with da kiddos!

II--The Clone Wars I hate sand. It's coarse and it gets everywhere. Just like my depression and my repressed anger gets everywhere. And I want to be everywhere that you are my dear. I'll never let you out of my sight. I don't trust anyone else to make decisions and I am sure that I'm right. My space wizardness has only gotten stronger. And its helped me grow so quickly in such a short time.

Messa gonna . . . shut up this time.

What's this movie about? Lakes? Decapitating Tuskan Raiders? Dismembering Dooku? Who dismembers me? A bit of light bondage action with her on the weird insect planet? (I'll never look at wasps nests the same way again.) We hardly get to meet the Clones . . . which is why you should now watch--

The Clone Wars animated TV series, seasons 1-7 to really understand why these wars were important. And here you will get to truly appreciate the skill and depth of Anakin. And you'll fall in love with the grace of Ahsoka. And you'll grieve when you realize that the Jedi Council is just incapable of making good decisions. And you'll wonder why everyone respects Yoda so much when he does nothing but do the wrong thing for six straight seasons. But you'll appreciate the humanity within the clone troopers. And you'll learn a lot about the Mandalorian culture (which will be useful later). And you'll know that Obi-Wan has definitely bent the rules of the Jedi Order in ways that Anakin has also done. And you'll learn so much more about the Galactic Senate. And you'll learn to hate Caminoians. And you'll wonder why Mace Windu hates Anakin so much. But you'll never forget that this war is multifaceted and draining and deadly. And through it all, Palpatine is absolutely batting 1.000 and pulling every single string. So let's see all of that come to its regrettable conclusion with . . .

III--The Revenge of the Sith Anakin's temper is hot as the lava on Mustafar. He doesn't trust Padme any further than he could Force Throw her. But he'll never not trust the Chancellor.

Because you've watched the Clone Wars you'll feel the impact of Obi-Ewan's dismayed plea You were my brother, Anakin. You were the Chosen One! Because you've seen the best version of Anakin in the Clone Wars. And then you see Anakin fall and you see Vader rise. And you see Padme die. And you see Obi-Ewan flee.

But then you've got to go back and finish Episode V. The Empire is still striking back, remember? Luke's got to deal with the truth of Vader's reveal. But hey! At least Luke is back with Leia again, right? She got me that blanket when she pulled me off of the antenna below Cloud City. And sure, it's regrettable that Han is stuck in carbonite. But now that he is well and truly gone . . . Leia can be all mine!

You the viewer are in a pretty bleak place, right?
Han is frozen.
Luke is devastated.
The Rebellion seems hopelessly lost.

So, let's catch our breath. Let's pause for a bit and remember the good times. Remember when Han was a dashing rogue. But what else was he?

Solo: A Star Wars Story It turns out he was a street rat. And he worked for some kind of gangster space worm? And is that Keira Knightly? No, I'm meant to say is that Khaleesi?

Hold up. He's working with Haymitch? (Is Peeta here too?) No, not Peeta. But that definitely is Vision over there being very threatening. This is fun. It's got a train heist like in Captain America: Winter Soldier and it's got casino gangsters like Oceans 11.

And wow! It's got Childish Gambino. Who's definitely in love with that robot. And that's fine because all of the love stories in Star Wars movies always turn out great and exactly as we expect them to.

Whew. I do feel better. But I seem to remember that there was a war going on in the galaxy. Let's dip out toes back into that with

Rogue One Sure it's not exactly a hopeful movie because the crew of the ship all die in a Death Star assault of Scarif. But they did manage to smuggle out the plans for the space station before they die. And the last words of CGI Leia is hope. So maybe it is a hopeful movie after all.

(And here you can see that I am not strictly structuring these movies due to chronology. I'm trying to wring the most emotional impacts out of them while honoring the chronology as best I can. Because if you simply start from the earliest movie in time, you don't have any emotional connection to these characters.)

Now that I've gotten everyone depressed, let's try to find a silver lining. Here is where we can enter back into the animated world a bit more and watch . . .

Star Wars Rebels What better way to rekindle your hope than by seeing the Spectre crew fighting the  Empire on Lothal? Kanan and Ezra try single-handedly to restart the Jedi order, not knowing that Luke is out there trying to do the same thing while he struggles to overcome the knowledge of who Vader is and what has happened to his friends.

And we can see how Ahsoka also struggles with her own acceptance of who Anakin became in her character arc in the later seasons of Rebels.

But nothing will make you feel better than watching Emperor Palpy get his comeuppance (or at least that is what we all thought for the last several decades. But we'll get around to THAT reveal in a bit. Next, let's watch the Empire fall in

VI--Return of the Jedi Hey . . . wait.

Death Star back? Didn't we already destroy that thing? Well, that's fine. I'm sure we won't have to overcome something that dangerous more than once. And he totally defeated the Empire and we killed Palpy and we are so glad! Because we all know what happens in Episode VI stays in Episode VI.

Sure, it's kinda a bummer that Leia's my sister. I sure didn't see that coming! But I'm sure that I'll bounce back from this and I'll find some fun way to spend the years ahead. It'll be super fun training Jedi.

Now, we know what happened to all of the heroes. But what happened to the rest of the galaxy in the wake of the Empire's collapse? That means that it is time to watch

The Mandalorian You may think that the only purpose of this show is to be a delivery vehicle for all of your Baby Yoda memes. But it is more than that. It's a show that examines what happens in the wake of empire collapse. And it sets some of the groundwork for the new trilogy of movies to come. As well as brings back to the front some elements of The Clone Wars animated series for people that remember the big reveal of the last episode. (Where my Darksaber heads at?)

But it's also puzzling--and informative. It helps us understand why Rey and Poe and everyone thinks that the events of Episodes IV-VI are almost mythical. And not just because the galaxy was shaken by their actions. The absence of the Jedi is still truly felt. And we can see that when we turn our gaze away from the Skywalkers. We can see ow the rest of the galaxy hasn't heard of the Jedi since the time Obi-Ewan looked like . . . well, like Ewan. We think the Jedi are everywhere and always. And all of the bingeing that we've done to this point only helps to reinforce it. But remember that younger Han thought it was all hocus pocus and old-timey religion. This show demonstrates that for most people, the Jedi were always a distant rumor. And that the Force was never seen.

And now, finally, the chronology gets relatively (?) simple. . .

VII--The Force Awakens We continue to see that the Force is a distant mystery. But some that ought not to have been forgotten, right Galadriel? You thought the Empire was dead. But that was only a name. The dream of domination lived on. And it just rebranded itself--and not too much of that was accomplished either. The people in the armor might not be clones any longer. And they might not all be presumed as caucasian--or male. But they are numerous. And what they represent is strong.

Angry people can always find masks to hide behind. Powerful people can always find reasons to dominate the weak. You can number your orders however you want. But you're still out there giving them.

VIII--The Last Jedi Something is only last if we quit trying to reproduce it. If we quit seeing its value and stop teaching it. That is what Rey teaches us. That the past is gone. But its lessons remain. Kylo wishes for us to kill the past. Because he doesn't want to be reminded of its mistakes and its pains. But if we don't acknowledge those things, we cannot make the future that is free from that repetition.

And these movies are full of repetition--right? (Not that I'm complaining. I genuinely love all three of them.) We learn that the past is never over. But we can see that the evil forces are interested in covering up the past so that their resistance can't see that a path to victory was once possible and could be possible again. It just takes commitment and effort.

And speaking of resistance--there is also the final animated series
Star Wars: Resistance that fits somewhere in the years of this new generational trio of Rey, Finn, and Poe.

Depending on how much you need to cleanse your palette of the plot of episodes VII, VIII, and IX, you could drop this show anywhere, I think. (Full disclosure, I haven't watched any of them yet.)

But I think the best thematic place to put them is between The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker. Because the endpoint of The Last Jedi is about how anyone can be a Jedi and Broom Boy serves as a symbol of that growing hope.

And then let's wrap everything up with

IX--The Rise of Skywalker Yep. Palpy back! Just like with the First Order, everything old is new again. But we know that "It is important to fight and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay though never quite eradicated." (Thanks Albus P.W.B.)

Your love interest may differ. But Luke would approve of Rey's commitment to a redemption arc. (Tell your sister . . . you were right.)

And so, that is it. Are you ready to dive in? You've got the time, maybe? If not--this post will still be here later. Next time you are inspired to watch, search for this and give it a try. I'm sure I won't have to mix it up too much in the future.